The River's Flow
by Catalyst's Cradle
Summary: A story about past mistakes, missed opportunities, and change.  After Paulo gets into a fight with Jasmine,  he heads to the park to contemplate what to do next.  A friend pays him an unexpected visit.
1. You Still Got Me

You Still Got Me

A Short Story

Well, Paulo, you really screwed things up this time.

I sat on the river bank dangling my legs into the cool stream. As I watched the water ripple by, I let out a sigh and lowered my head down into my hands. I still couldn't believe the words that had come out of my mouth. Why can't I ever just think before I go and open my stupid trap? In retrospect, there were so many other things I could have said, so many better ways to respond to her. But, none of that mattered now; the words were out there and could not be unsaid. It was over. All those good times Jazzie and I had were likely gone forever and their memories would be forever tarnished by the acrimony of my words. It was all my goddamned fault.

I lifted my head and looked at the scenery, trying to cheer myself up. The leaves of the trees lining the river had changed color, the sky was clear, and the air gave that sharp but pleasant bite to remind you that winter was around the corner. I could hear the gurgling water as it cascaded over a small drop in the landscape and feel the cool mist of droplets that it produced moisten my fur. This was one of my favorite spots in Roseville. Growing up in the city, there were no large open areas like this. So when my dad and I moved here, this place was like a young boy's dream: a place to climb through the trees, swim in the stream, and run around without a care in the world. Those were the days back in middle school, weren't they? Back then, I could come here and enjoy myself without all of this high school drama and all that other bullshit.

As I felt the river waters glide past my feet, I just wanted to fall into the stream and let her cool waters numb my body and wash away these feelings. Wherever I was upset or pissed off at the world, I would always come to this stream, jump into her familiar embrace, and swim. I would swim up and down this stretch until I was too tired to be angry, too tired to hurt anymore. And then, I could just lay floating on my back and let the gently flowing stream rock me in her motherly arms. Yeah, this stream, she's always been here for me.

Like that time when Daisy yelled at me after the rally. I felt even more horribly when Abbey told me the whole story of what was going on. The worst part was that I was oblivious to it all. I got angry every time I thought about that Augustus character manipulating Daisy and the fact that I wasn't there to protect her. Some great friend I was. Daisy was always so nice to everyone. She was always willing to listen to your problems, always there to try and cheer you up. But, when she needed me to be a friend and be there for her – hell, even just to listen to her – I ignored her. I was too busy chasing after Tess to notice that my friend was in need.

I guess it all worked out for her in the end. Abbey was there for her, and Daisy seemed happy enough with him. At least she wasn't still wasting her time chasing after Mike like Lucy. I let out another sigh as my mind turned to Lucy. Oh man, did I screw things up with Lucy, too. Do you realize how hard it is for her to trust people? Well, she came to me – me of all people – to open up and seek comfort. She trusted me. And what did I do with that trust? I crumpled it up and tossed it in the garbage. For what, you ask? Just so I could go screw two bitches who were really just interested in using me as a way of getting back at Tess, that's what. I could still see that anguished look on Lucy's face when she found out. Yeah, what a great friend I was there.

Yet, somehow, _somehow_ after all of that, I still managed to meet Jazzie. She was so awesome. She was smart, she was fun, she had such a spectacular body. But now, that was over. I just had to screw that up too! It was so frustrating. Everyone always gave me crap about being a big flirt and chasing after every girl I saw. But now, when I finally found someone who I wanted to have a committed relationship with – someone who made me want to change those ways – she wouldn't even give me the time of day!

I let out a big roar, releasing my pent up anger and frustration into an expletive that reverberated throughout the trees. After all those emotions left and the echoes of my words faded off into the distance, what was left was self-pity, loneliness, and thoughts of what could have been if I weren't so stupid.

I buried my face in my hands again as tears came to my eyes. She didn't deserve what I did to her. I was too harsh on her. I shouldn't have just run off and left her crying there like that. That look on her face… she was probably even more upset than I am right now.

Maybe Tess was right. I am just a kid: a stupid, immature punk who has no clue about love and relationships. All I manage to do is screw things up and hurt those around me. Daisy, Lucy, Jazzie…

"Hey jerkface!" called a familiar voice.

"Lucy?" I said as I turned. I saw her standing on a small hill amongst some of the trees. What was she doing here?

As I lifted myself off of the riverbank to go walk up to see Lucy, my foot slipped on some of the smooth rocks in the stream. I splashed into the water. Slightly chagrined, I crawled back out onto the riverbank. Smooth move, Paulo. At least now she couldn't tell that I had been crying.

"Ah, nothing like a refreshing dip in the stream," I remarked coolly, trying to mask my clumsiness as I walked up the hill toward Lucy. I looked up at her, but she didn't seem to be paying any attention.

"Hey babe," I said as I approached her, pushing down my sad emotions and hiding them beneath a false smile. "What brings you to these parts?"

Lucy still stood there motionless, seemingly looking past me back at the stream.

"Lucy?" I said in a softer voice, placing my hand on her shoulder. "Uh, are you okay?"

As I touched her, her expression suddenly changed and she lashed out at me. "Don't ever scare me like that again!" She pounded her fist straight into my gut. My feet, still wet from the stream, slipped out from under me, and I suddenly found myself sprawled out on my back.

As I groaned, Lucy's expression became a bit softer and she smiled. "You have no idea how ridiculous you look now."

_Owch_, I thought. I couldn't decide which hurt more: the punch to my stomach or the punch to my pride. The sight of me drenched in water and sprawled out on the ground must have been pretty pathetic.

"Let's see how you'd look covered in water," I replied, shaking the water off of my fur.

"Hey, stop that," Lucy replied, shielding herself from the droplets of water flinging off of me.

After I finished getting most of the water off, I patted the ground next to me. Although I came here to be alone, I just couldn't resist that smile of hers. "Have a seat, babe," I said. "What's on yer mind?"

Lucy just stood there and folded her arms. "Cut the crap, Paulo," she said sternly. "I saw you yelling at Jasmine earlier."

I sighed and stared down at the ground.

"Paulo, you idiot!" Lucy voice rose in anger. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Go away Lucy," I said. Look, I love Lucy to death, but I just didn't want to deal with her moodiness right now. I braced myself for more punches and kicks. She usually didn't take well to being told to scram like that.

But instead, she simply replied, "Make me." I heard Lucy shuffle her feet as she sat down beside me. We sat there awkwardly until Lucy broke the silence. "Paulo, tell me what happened."

"Why do you want to know?" I replied, keeping my eyes fixed to the ground. "Or are you just looking for an excuse to cuddle with me again?"

"Why do you have to be such an asshole to me and especially to poor Jasmine?"

"An asshole?" I shouted indignantly. "Where do you get off calling _me _an asshole? Do you know how much work I put into that relationship? Do you know how much effort I put into saving up money for our dates, going to all of her softball games, and helping her with all her other projects like the elections? I really wanted this to work. I tried to do everything I could. And yet, somehow, that still wasn't enough."

"What do you mean?"

"She never made time for me. I always tried to make time to be with her but she would always blow me off for something else. Today was just the last straw. We had plans for this Friday to go to that new ice skating rink. It was going to be awesome. But then she says that coach has a special practice scheduled for Friday and that she has to be there. I just snapped."

My mind drifted back to our fight. _That's it. This is bullshit. We're through! _Why the hell did I say that? Why the hell did I break up with her over that? That relationship was one of the few good things I had going for me. And, to make matters worse, I just had to keep yelling at her, keep berating her until she broke down crying. Damn it, Lucy was right. I was a fucking asshole.

"It was bad, Lucy," I said, lowering my gaze back down to the ground. "I just lost my temper. I let her have it; I really laid into her and let out all my frustrations."

"So the girl has a life. Is that a reason to yell at her?"

"I know, "I replied. "It's just sometimes I feel ignored, you know, like I'm not important to her. She always has something better to do than spend time with a slacker like me. It was either schoolwork or softball or family stuff. I always came second."

Always in second place: that's the story of my life. Whether it was sports, video games, or anything else, I was always second best. It was so unfair. _He_ would always be better than me. They would always like _him_ more than me. I would never admit it out loud, but I was jealous of Mike. He was always the goddamned perfect one. He had a perfect family, perfect grades, and all the girls in class had a crush on him. But, what did he do with that attention they gave him? He played them, led them on, and then ignored all of them. Didn't he realize how much he was hurting them? I remembered all those times when Daisy was nearly in tears because of something her Mikie had done. And when Lucy finally worked up the guts to admit her feelings to him, he just brushed her off for that long-distance girlfriend of his. Everyone always thought of Mike as the nice guy, but I knew the truth. He was just a heartless unfeeling bastard. How else could he treat them like that?

But then again, was I any better? I remembered Daisy during freshman year. When I looked back over everything, it was obvious that she was crying out for help, but I was too infatuated with Tess to notice. I was such a failure. Right there, I had the chance to repay Daisy for everything that she's done for me – for how freakin' nice she's always been to me – and I missed it. Yeah, I really was no better than Mike. Is that what love does to you? Is love really something that keeps you from caring about any other people in your life? Does it really make you turn a blind eye to all of your other friends in the world?

"You're just being selfish," Lucy said. "You can't expect her to just give up those things for you."

"I know." I was kicking myself on the inside. If I were smarter back then, I would have acted more like Jazzie. I wouldn't have ignored Daisy like that. And now, I was expecting Jazzie to do the same for a jerk like me? Fuck, man, I really owed her a big apology. Still, even though I understood her actions, I still couldn't shake that one feeling. "Sometimes, I just wonder if she ditches me for these other things because I'm not good enough for her. Sure, when we spend time together we really hit it off, but that's what I thought about me an' Tess. Look at how that turned out. I was never good enough for her, just like I'd never be good enough for…" my voice trailed off as I glanced over at Lucy. She just sat staring forward with that same stoic expression on her face.

"Nevermind," I continued. "I mean, Jazzie always has plans, and sometimes I feel like I'm not part of those plans. She's a girl who's going places. She's got the brains to get into a good college and even has a shot at a softball scholarship. Me? Well, I'll just be lucky if I can graduate and not end up working a shitty construction job like my dad. Goddamn it Lucy, what could a girl like her see in a dumb screw up like me?"

"Paulo, Jasmine really likes you, she's said that many times. You don't need to feel insecure about that."

I guess I did kinda know that already, but it was nice to hear Lucy say it too. That sense of doubt had always dogged me. Sure I never acted that way, but it's always been there in the back of my mind. When I first moved here, I was actually a pretty shy kid, kind of a wimp, if you can believe it. But even when I grew out of that phase and shed my shyness, that insecurity never really went away. You'd probably feel it too if your first two crushes were completely obsessed with someone else. I guess I really did like Daisy back then. She had that cute smile and that cheery way of greeting me every morning as we walked to school. She was the first friend I had after I moved here, the first girl I felt I could talk to. But, she had such a huge crush on Mike even if he never loved her back. Because her heart belonged to Mike, she never really saw me as anything other than just a close friend or a big brother.

I guess that's why I turned my attention to Lucy. Although Mike used to be all over her, she never showed any outward signs of liking him or anyone else for that matter. I wanted to be the one to charm her and break down those walls. And, I really thought I could be the one to do it. There was nothing better than to pry a rare smile from her immovable face. But, the day when I rescued Mike and her from the stream changed that. After saw how broken up Lucy was, how she clung to his body and cried out for him, I kinda knew I had no chance with her. I couldn't ever be the guy that Lucy really wanted.

Being from a family without a lot of money, I had always accepted that I would never have the coolest toys, the newest games, or the most fashionable clothes. I guess it was just a natural extension to accept that I'd always be second place in their hearts. How could a guy like me expect to be good enough for them? I wasn't even good enough for Tess, the girl that everyone else in the school hated.

"Paulo, you really like her too, don't you?" Lucy asked.

I had too many thoughts swirling around in my head to know the answer to that question. Memories of Daisy, Lucy, Tess, and Jazzie spun around in my mind. All I knew was that I had just broken up with Jazzie, and I felt like crap. That had to count for something, right? "Yeah, I guess I do," I replied.

"How can you say that, you idiot? You've only known her for what, two months?"

Lucy was right. Although it had seemed like a much longer time, Jazzie and I had been dating for only a short amount of time. Now I felt even more stupid about our fight. Of course she'd choose softball over me. Of course her friends, family, and activities would come before me. But, it didn't have to stay that way. These things take time, don't they? I just had to have a little patience.

Patience had never been my forte. I'd always been so impulsive, especially when it came to girls. I'd always been so quick to jump at any girl who gave me even the slightest bit of attention. I guess that's just what happens when you're always in second place: you're quick to settle for the consolation prize. Sometimes I wished I could be a little more like Lucy. I always admired that stubborn determination of hers. She didn't need to impress or please anyone else. She didn't care about what other people thought about her.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. She cared about what _he_ thought about her. That goddamned Mike. I knew he was a friend and all, but sometimes I just hated his guts. He was the only one who could affect her; he was the only one who could make her cry. I hated seeing Lucy so broken up about Mike, like that time in Acapulco or that time when she came to me in tears. She was normally the strongest person I knew. When that punk tried to rob us in that alley back in the eight grade, when even I was too much of a pussy to protect everyone, Lucy was the one to stand up and fight. Mike didn't know how lucky he was. He was a fucking idiot for rejecting her.

Goddamn it, what if I hadn't been such a wuss when I first met her? Would thing be different now, could she have fallen in love with me instead of with Mike? Or what if I had been there for Daisy freshman year instead of Abbey? Or what if Tess were not a senior, but a sophomore instead?

I looked down at the stream, at those waters flowing out toward the horizon. I often came out here with these questions, and the stream, she always gave the same answer. Those waters, they always kept on moving forward. If there was something blocking its path, those waters would find their way around it. Even when winter conspired to freeze its progress, the current would continue its inexorable journey forward underneath a layer of ice.

What other direction could those waters go? You just gotta keep moving forward and forget all of those past screw ups, right? It's like my relationship with Tess. I really loved that girl, and I though she loved me too. But, she just didn't want to be with me. It sucked, it hurt, and I still didn't understand it, but what can you do? You just gotta put that heartbreak in the past and move on. You gotta stop sitting here feeling jealous about what you don't have, and start appreciating what you do have. So what if Mike was always better than me in sports? I could swim well enough to save his sorry ass and Lucy's too. So what if my life kind of sucked compared to his. I had a bunch of awesome friends and a dad who worked his tail off to give me the life I had now. And, so what if Lucy's heart would always belong to Mike? She was still a friend, a damn good one at that. Wasn't that enough to be happy with?

And on top of all of that, I still had Jazzie, or at least I hoped I did. I thought back to our fight. As I walked away from her, my anger subsided a bit, and I looked back to see her just kneeling there on the ground, her hands covering up those big green eyes and her tear-stained cheeks. I should have just turned back right there and apologized – brushed aside those silvery strands of hair, looked into her eyes, and said I was sorry – but instead I just ran off. I was an idiot, a big jerk, for doing that. But, I knew what I had to do now, and I just had to hope and pray she'd forgive me.

I leaned back and stretched out my legs along the soft grass, feeling the warm autumn sun bathe my still slightly damp body. I looked over at Lucy, whose white coat gave off an auric glow in the late-afternoon sunlight. I was glad to have a friend like her who could knock some sense into this thick skull of mine. "Thanks Lucy," I said. "Talking to you really helped."

"I actually came to yell at you for being an asshole to Jasmine," Lucy replied. "But considering everything you've done for me recently, listening to you go all emo was the least I could do."

"C'mon Lucy, you don't owe me anything."

"I know," was her simple reply as she flashed that beautiful smile of hers. She lifted up her hand and placed it on mine, as if to let me know that she'd be there for me, the way I wanted to be there for her. I smiled back as we sat there on that grassy hill together. That scene, it was almost too perfect.

"So, uh, is this the part where we get to have really hot pity sex?"

Almost instantly I found myself flat on my back with a giant welt forming on my chin. I knew I shouldn't have made that quip, but like I said, I just can't resist that smile of hers.

"Well, I see you're back to normal now," Lucy said as she got up and dusted herself off. "I guess my job here is done." She began walking away, but after a few steps, she turned to look back and paused.

"Paulo," she began. "No matter what happens between you and Jasmine, just remember: you still got me."

Wasn't that all I could ever ask for?


	2. I Still Got You

I Still Got You

A Short Story

Paulo is such a huge jerk.

I stormed through the park following that orange-furred idiot. What was he thinking treating Jasmine like that? Right after I had gotten out of rehearsals for Sue's stupid play, I saw Paulo and Jasmine arguing outside the school. I was too far away to hear any of the words being exchanged, but all I could see was Paulo yelling at poor Jasmine. It must have been bad because by the end of it, Jasmine was down on her knees sobbing. And Paulo, that jerk, just ran away from her. How could he just leave her crying there? I really thought Paulo was better than that.

I clenched my fists as I made my way through the park. I was going to give Paulo a piece of my mind. Jasmine did not deserve to be treated that way. She was crazy about him! Sure they had their share of troubles, but I couldn't imagine Jasmine doing anything to deserve that kind of treatment. Paulo had better have not done anything stupid like breaking her heart by sleeping with some random girls. Ugh. Just the thought of it made my blood boil.

I paused briefly as a gust of cool autumn air sent a chill down my spine. Normally, I didn't mind the cold, but now, as I looked up through the trees at the cloudless autumn sky, I felt this eerie sense of uneasiness come over me. I tried to shake it off as I trudged forward, thinking instead about the feel of the soft layer of dead leaves under my feet and the muffled crinkling sound they made as I walked over them. As I listened more closely, however, I heard something that made my heartbeat rise and my fur stand on end. _Rushing waters_. Just the sound of those waters pounding relentlessly on the rocks below as they went over the falls was enough to stop me in my tracks. _Maybe Paulo didn't come this way_, I thought to myself. Maybe I should check another part of the park.

I began to turn around, but then I heard the unmistakable sound of Paulo yelling the word "Fuck!" coming from the direction of the river. Of all the places in Roseville, why did he have to come to _this_ place? _C'mon Lucy,_ I thought to myself, _let's just get this over with._

I forced myself up the hill overlooking the stream and sure enough, that idiot was there, sitting on the riverbank. My heart skipped a beat as I looked past him at the waterfall, but then I remembered what he did to Jasmine, refocused my anger, and shouted to get his attention.

"Hey jerkface!"

"Lucy?" Paulo replied. He turned to get up, but suddenly he slipped and disappeared beneath those dark waters.

"Paulo!" I shouted. I tried to force myself to take a step forward but my body wouldn't respond. _No, not again_, I thought as my mind flashed back to that terrible day. Everything suddenly rushed back into my mind: the feeling of the tree branch sliding out of my hands, the cold water surrounding me as I held onto Mike, the sight of that hand reaching out from above to grab me.

I snapped back to reality when I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Lucy, uh, are you okay?" a slightly damp Paulo asked.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!" I shouted, pounding my fist into his gut. The blow sent him sprawling to the ground. Luckily for him, my relief that he was okay after falling into the river had tempered my anger a bit. I couldn't stop a smile from crossing my face as I looked down at the sight of my sopping wet friend grimacing on the ground. His characteristically spiky hair drooped down from the weight of the water, matching the uncharacteristically dour expression on his face.

"You have no idea how ridiculous you look right now," I remarked.

"Let's see how you'd look covered in water," he replied, playfully trying to fling the water from his fur onto me.

"Hey stop that," I replied shielding myself from the spray of droplets.

Paulo looked up at me from his seat on the grass and patted the ground next to him. "Have a seat, babe. What's on yer mind?"

He had such a stupid smile on his face. "Cut the crap, Paulo," I said as I folded my arms and glared down at the jerk. "I saw you yelling at Jasmine earlier."

His smile quickly disappeared, and he just sat there staring silently at the grass.

"Paulo, you idiot!" I yelled. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Go away Lucy," Paulo replied softly. I was about to lay into him, to berate him for how he treated Jasmine, but I stopped. I looked down at Paulo as he hung his head between his knees. Something was different about him: his facial expression, his demeanor, his body language. Even his copper eyes, normally so bright and animated, now seemed somewhat dim and distant. He just looked so… vulnerable. I'd never really seen him like this before.

I sighed as I began to feel some sympathy for that jerk. How many times had I gotten into a fight with Mike and yelled at him like that? I stood there awkwardly for a moment trying to gauge some reaction from Paulo. Did he really want to be alone?

_What would Mike do in a situation like this?_ I asked myself. Well, he would take me into those comforting arms of his and… yeah, that was definitely out of the question here. I guess when things had gotten really bad recently and I'd needed someone to pick me up, I'd turned to someone else who had a slightly different approach.

"Make me," I replied as I plopped right next to him on the grass. Paulo remained motionless, keeping his eyes affixed to the ground. We sat in silence before my curiosity got the better of me. "Paulo, tell me what happened."

"Why do you want to know?" growled Paulo. "Or are you just looking for an excuse to cuddle with me again?"

I wanted to smack him in the face for that comment, but I stopped just short of doing so. Damn it Paulo, I'm trying to be nice here. "Why do you have to be such an asshole to me and especially to poor Jasmine?" I shouted at him

"An asshole?" responded Paulo. "Where do you get off calling _me_ an asshole? Do you know how much work I put into that relationship? Do you know how much effort I put into saving up money for our dates, going to all of her softball games, and helping her with all her other projects like the elections? I really wanted this to work. I tried to do everything I could. And, yet, somehow, that still wasn't enough."

I was taken aback a bit by Paulo's outburst. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"She never made time for me." Paulo's tone dropped as the anger subsided from his voice. "I always tried to make time to be with her but she would always blow me off for something else. Today was just the last straw. We had plans for this Friday to go to that new ice skating rink. It was going to be awesome. But then she says that coach has a special practice scheduled for Friday and that she has to be there. I just snapped." Paulo paused as he lowered his gaze back down to the ground. "It was bad, Lucy. I just lost my temper. I let her have it; I really laid into her and let out all my frustrations."

"So the girl has a life. Is that a reason to yell at her?"

"I know. It's just sometimes I feel ignored, you know, like I'm not important to her. She always has something better to do than spend time with a slacker like me. It was either schoolwork or softball or family stuff. I always came second."

"You're just being selfish. You can't expect her to just give up those things for you."

Although my remarks might have come across as a bit harsh, that didn't mean that I was unsympathetic. I knew that feeling: the feeling of being ignored. _Mike…_ I thought. Why were things so different now? Why was he so distant? Why did he give me those icy stares every time I tried to approach him? Ever since that day when I told him… it was almost as if I had lost him again. It was like the third grade all over again. Or Acapulco, or… I looked back up to see that damned stream staring back at me. Again, the sound of the waterfall began to pour into my mind and drown out everything else. Paulo started talking again, but I could barely hear Paulo's voice over its torrent of sound that just kept getting louder and louder.

I closed my eyes to avoid looking at the stream, but that just freed my brain to unleash the memories of that day upon me. I still remembered what it felt like underneath those waters. The wind chilled my body reminding me of the cold water surrounding me as we sunk deeper and deeper. As I clung terrified to Mike's limp body, I felt so helpless, so completely and utterly powerless to do anything to save the two of us. I remembered the muted sounds of those swirling currents as they pushed us down and the sight of the bubbles dancing joylessly around us as they shepherded us toward the bottom. I remember staring up at the distorted sky above, ready to admit defeat and let those currents carry me down to the darkness below. But then I saw him holding out his outstretched hand. Paulo. He's always been there to help pull me out of my darkest times.

Paulo's voice broke me from my trance. "Lucy, what could a girl like her see in a dumb screw up like me?"

_You're such an idiot,_ I thought. "Paulo, Jasmine really likes you, she's said that many times" I replied. Paulo's face lit up at that comment. "You don't need to feel insecure about that."

I could kind of see why Jasmine would be so taken by Paulo. Paulo was different from all of the other boys who tried to flirt with me. Most would get the message and stop after a cold glare, some harsh words, or a punch to the chin. But Paulo never gave up. No matter what I said to him or how hard I hit him, he never relented. At first his perseverance really annoyed me. I used to wish he would just leave me alone. After a while, though, his constant advances grew to be…charming. It was comforting to know that no matter what happened, no matter how badly I mistreated him, he would still be there. Even when he was head-over-heels for Tess and even now when he's with Jasmine, he still found the time to let me know that he's still here for me, that I've still got him. Nothing could drive him away from me. Unlike Mike…

Damn it, why couldn't I feel the same way about Paulo as I do about Mike? Wouldn't things be so much easier if I loved Paulo? I've always found him physically attractive ever since I first saw him. He may act like a jerk and a pervert, but deep down, he's a good guy. He'd never abandon me like Mike did. He'd make sure I'd never feel alone.

But, as I looked at him now, at how upset he seemed about his fight with Jasmine and at how his face lit up when I said that Jasmine liked him, I needed to know.

"Paulo, you really like her too, don't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess I do."

My heart sank a little upon hearing his reply. "How can you say that, you idiot?" I grumbled. "You've only known her for what, two months?"

That was something I just couldn't understand about Paulo. Not too long ago, he was so heartbroken about Tess. He never said anything, but it was kind of obvious by the way he was moping around after junior prom. I kind of missed his usual hijinks and mischief during those few weeks. But, after a short time, he was back to normal. And now, here he was falling for another girl. How could he do that? How could he so easily move on like that? How could he let go of Tess so easily and give himself so fully to Jasmine?

Is that something I could ever do? All my life I'd kept myself from getting close to anyone. I put up a harsh exterior and walled myself off from everyone else to protect myself from them. For the longest time, Mike was the only one I let close to me, and that was enough. But now with Mike shunning me, those walls which once protected me like the walls of a fortress now felt like the cold, isolating walls of a prison, condemning me to my solitude. If I were more like Paulo, if I could learn to just get over Mike and trust so fully and passionately like Paulo, couldn't I break down those barriers and escape? Or at least let someone else inside so I didn't feel alone anymore?

I glanced up at Paulo. Haven't I already begun to let someone else into those walls? I know I wasn't acting like myself that night when I sought comfort from Paulo, but that didn't mean that those feeling weren't real. Maybe they were stupid, maybe they were wrong, and maybe they only came from my despair at the time, but those feelings still haunted me. As I sobbed into his chest and he wrapped his arms around me, I remember feeling the heat from his body surround me in his warmth. That night, I felt safe in his arms. The only other person who could make me feel that way was Mike. But, he wasn't Mike. He didn't abandon me in the third grade. He didn't get fed up with my abusive treatment. He liked me for who I was, abrasive personality and all.

Back on that day when Mike fell into the river, I remembered trying to pull Mike out of the water using a tree branch. But, the current was moving too fast, and the grass was too wet. I felt my feet begin to slide forward, pulling me toward those unfriendly waters. I had a choice right then. Do I hold onto the branch and let it pull me into the river or do I let go and save myself? Don't I have that same choice now? Do I keep clinging to Mike and let him pull me down to drown in those cold and lonely waters, or do I just let go?

_No!_ my mind screamed. I can't just let go of Mike. Not yet, at least. Mike still meant so much to me. If I looked back over all the times when I was truly happy, at all my most treasured memories, Mike was there. I even looked back fondly on the simple things like our conversations as we walked to and from school. He was the one who really understood me, he was the one who could make everything feel better, and he was the only one who I could ever trust. Yet, for each of those happy memories with Mike, I had those moments that I looked back upon with regret. I really was horrible to him. I always bullied him, constantly pestered him, and never showed any appreciation for everything he did for me. Despite all that, he stayed my friend and stuck around to protect me. For the longest time, he put up with me and my abusiveness. At one point, he really did like me too. Even after I rejected him by shoving him away after he tried to kiss me, he wasn't deterred. He even got that stupid blue scarf because he said it reminded him of the color of my eyes. It's amazing that he stuck around as long as he did.

If Mike could persevere though all of those times when I ignored his feelings, why couldn't I? I'm just as strong as Mike. I could endure this too. Yeah, I'm no quitter; I'm a fighter. I just had to dig in my heels and battle against those currents that were trying to take him away from me. I just had to be stronger. Suffering through this pain and loneliness would be worth it if it meant I could have him back. Mike couldn't stay mad at me forever. Eventually he had to come back to me, just like he did after Sandy left. Then everything could go back to the way they were before, to the way things were supposed to be. These things just had a way of working out in the end, right? They just had to because I really couldn't imagine any other future.

_Not even a future with Paulo_, I thought as I glanced back up at that boy. As much as I sometimes fantasized about him, settling for Paulo would be the easy way out. Paulo was a good friend, but he wasn't Mike. Besides, he had Jasmine. Even though I was a bit jealous of her and how well Paulo treated her, I couldn't steal Paulo from her. I didn't want to be her Sandy. The thought of them, though, made my heart sink a little. After that night we spent together, I did think there might actually be something between the two of us. But, Paulo just moved on to Jess, Rachel, and now Jasmine. How could he do that? Maybe "moving on" was too generous a word to use. How could he move on if he never loved me in the first place? I was just another pretty girl to that hormonally-driven jerk, wasn't I?

No, that wasn't true either. He didn't help me that night because I was hot or because he wanted to bang me. If that were the case he would have just taken advantage of me. He did it because he cared. He stuck around because he was a friend, a damn good one at that.

"Thanks Lucy," Paulo's voice interrupted my thoughts. I looked over at Paulo to see him leaning back, basking in the sun. "Talking to you really helped."

"I actually came to yell at you for being an asshole to Jasmine," I admitted. "But, considering everything you've done for me recently, listening to you go all emo was the least I could do."

"C'mon Lucy, you don't owe me anything."

I wanted respond with something more than my usual trite, detached remarks. Even though I didn't feel the same way about him as I felt about Mike, I still felt something for him. I wanted to thank him for always being there for me, for making life without Mike just a little bit more bearable. I wanted to let him know what that meant to me – what he meant to me – and just release all of these trapped thoughts and feelings from their confines. I wanted to do all of that, but I didn't know how to put those feelings into words. I didn't know how he would react. And, more importantly, I didn't know what I would do if I said them. I was afraid that saying something more would change what we already had.

Instead, I just reached out and placed my hand atop his, squeezing it gently. "I know," I said. I think he got the message because he smiled back. It wasn't that stupid, mischievous grin he normally wore, but it was something that felt more sincere, more real. We sat there like that for a bit, bathing in the warmth of the autumn sun.

"So, uh, is this the part where we get to have really hot pity sex?"

Almost instinctively, I slammed my fist into his face, knocking him straight down to the ground.

_I hope you never change, Paulo_, I thought as a smile made its way across my face. I got off of the ground and dusted myself off. "Well I see you're back to normal now. I guess my job here is done."

I started walking away, but after a few steps, I paused and turned back. That urge to say something more to him welled up inside of me again. "Paulo," I began, "no matter what happens between you and Jasmine, just remember that you still got me."

Paulo responded with a smile, but I wasn't really looking at him anymore. I just looked past him at the river and shuddered as the cold wind began to pick up again. Yet at the same time, the sight of the river reminded me that I had friends like Paulo to help pull me through hard times like these. Maybe with their help, I could be strong enough to get through all of this.


End file.
